Jochen Otten's hotel speech
Presenter: Yes, and let's be honest, we all enjoyed having this programme, but really it is one big pre-programme for what everyone actually came for, and that is the annual hotel speech. We talked this afternoon about many topics of strategy, leadership, self-management, turning inward, looking at how to be a better leader yourself. But we are now moving, having just had the special forces, to a very different topic which is nevertheless close, And that is the snipers, at least a key member of them. For where Ray taught us to stand firm under pressure, our hotel reasoner on duty uniquely holds up a mirror to us. Recognisable, sharp, disarming and, yes, painfully funny. Dear hotel ringers, get ready to laugh, nod and meet yourself head-on. Here is none other than Jochen Otten.
Jochen Otten: Hello, nice! For the people who are now thinking of that's Ray Klaassen again. I am not Ray Klaassen, your motivational speaker. I'm just Jochen Otten, your demotivational speaker. Because I do have something to say about the hotel business. Anyway Roamed congratulations, Kimberly congratulations. Super fun. Before I start with my critique of all the hotels where I sleep a lot. Because with snipers and I play all over the country. You guys are obviously struggling too.
That's also true anyway. 21% BTW. Suddenly. That's a lot. We artists 9%. Yes. Difference has to be there. 21 and 9 is obviously a big difference. 21% with us, 9 is allowed. Or as Marco Borsato said during the court hearing of, oh, were you talking about VAT? So that one had made a mistake. It gets much worse, folks.
Yes, no, but look, look, I just want to say. You should never lie to people. I find that hotels sometimes promise people things they don't deliver. The room is photographed with some kind of magnifying lens lie. But you get to that room. It's never the room you clicked on. Never. It's always pictures of another room you clicked on. Also of the view. There is never my view of the flat roof with those pipes and 40 air-conditioning units on it. That one never gets photographed. So then I think of guys, don't go lying to people. Don't go luring people with false pretenses. And I now see a few people looking at me like well, you're Jochen Otten aren't you? I was in a theatre programme for you once. It also said on the flyer that it would be fun. So tone it down a bit. I understand. I understand.
Yes. But I do find it weird for example that a star. One star. Whether you have two, three, four or five stars. That that can depend on very small things. Like a magnifying mirror. Or a fun in your room. And then I think okay. Fun. A fun? For me? Is that to piss me off or something? With that card, just put a feun on his chambers, laugh. But that you get a star for it, for a magnifying mirror. With my 50-plus wrinkled head, should I do anything with a magnifying mirror? Is no fun for me, a magnifying mirror. What do I need it for? Yes, okay, for my cock maybe. That then maybe. But isn't fun either. Is also an insult actually. I can also say, you know what, I'm giving a pussy performance here. And then I can say, yes but there is a hairdryer and a magnifying mirror here on stage. So yes, four stars, super. And I won't say which hotel this was in, from Van der Valk, which I'm about to tell you. I love coming to Van der Valk, we are always writing in Vianen with snipers. Super fun. This was not in Vianen, this was at another Van der Valk. I won't say which one.
Then you arrive. And I say, I'm only driving electric. So I don't know how we work with these charging stations. I do have a pass from Shell and from the ANWB. So this pass, because I don't think they were doing it. Should I get another pass? And the guy behind the reception desk there said. Yes, I don't know anything about those charging stations. I say, you're not an inchexcel right? You work here, right? That's your car park too, isn't it? Yes, but I don't know anything about charging stations. I say, why not? He says, yes, I always come by bike. I say, well, great. Then show me the bicycle parking. Then I know a lot. Appropriate service, right? And then also the upgrade. Always gets me too. Then you come into a hotel. And then you immediately get the question, would you like to pay an extra 65 euros for an upgrade? Then I think, why do I have to pay 65 euros? I do understand that you are struggling. With those margins. But why do I have to pay an extra 65 euros? Didn't I have a nice room? Or is there something wrong with my room? As if the midwife looks like this and then sees the baby first. And then says ooh. For 65 euros I'll change it. That's not nice. Is there something wrong with my room? That's the feeling I get then. If I have to upgrade it right away. Is there something wrong with my room? Yes well this one is 24 square metres. But if you upgrade now. Then 57 square metres. Seriously, 57 square metres? For a hotel room? How many square metres do you think I need to jerk myself off? Because what is a man going to do alone in a hotel room?
And then why do I get two passes? I also always get two passes when I come on my own. One is for me then. Just to get into the hotel room. And the other, that one is also for me to confront me with my loneliness. And why? Of course, we can solve everything with AI. But why does my air conditioner never turn off? Why is there always a huge tering noise from which I can't sleep? In the room, because of the air conditioner. Why is it always on? Because then the wire cuts. Because it's just off. It's just off on the box. Or do I cut the wire. Air conditioning just keeps going. And you can't cheek the stering earlier. You can't go outside. The windows can't open. Yes, I can understand that. Because they have to stay shut. Because of suicidal tendencies. Then you think, yeah, do you think it's crazy? In a room like that. And also the hotels with those thin walls. That you can hear the room next door. Do you know those? No, always drunk people. Always his hotels, always drunk people in the corridor. And you can think of, that's not with us. No, but I'm talking about the Bastion Hotel for a moment now. That's not normal.
The Bastion Hotel's cleaning schedule, I'm curious about that too. I would say to the Bastion Hotel people of, automation is good. But you don't have to replace the cleaning team with a chatbot. Like you guys have done, apparently. Because there are hairs everywhere there, that's not normal. And I do understand that you give 47 seconds to a cleaning crew to clean it. Otherwise with those margins you don't come out, I get that. But I always wonder, how can you leave so many hairs in 47 seconds? That's unbelievable. Then you have to be really fast there. And I hate hairs. I hate hair. I shave it off. I hate hair. My eyebrows can basically come off from me too. Yes, because I don't need them anymore. Since I slept in the bastion, I'm no longer surprised by anything at all. Yes, if the City of Amsterdam wants to do something with the Stay Away campaign, I would say of let those people sleep in the bastion for one night, then they will never come back. The rest happy it's not about their hotel. Super nice. No, but is it so much better in other hotels? Is it so much better in other hotels? If I have five stars, for example. In a five-star hotel, then you expect everything, right? Then you expect to get everything. Then you think of well, then I'll go to the sauna. You know? Because it does come with sauna. There are five-star hotels. Then you have to enter a sauna schedule. Then there's a schedule. Yes. Then you have to take turns in. The whole hotel of one sauna you have to take turns in. Is there a spot only between two o'clock in the afternoon and two-thirty in the afternoon. Then you think, I'm a tourist. Then I am somewhere else. I can't go back to my hotel to do in the sauna. Then I say, okay, never mind. Then I won't go to the sauna. Then I'll go and relax. Then I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Can't. No. Ten o'clock check out. Ten o'clock. Sometimes 11 o'clock. Breakfast at 9. 10 am. Hup. Optioning. Which I find weird. To have to check out at 10 already. Or at 11. Because checking in. That doesn't come until 3 o'clock. What happens in that interval? From. Yes. Then the camera has a few hours to itself. Or so. Because it doesn't take 4 hours or 5 hours over school. But look. If I arrive at 10 o'clock. When I arrive. At the hotel. At ten o'clock. My plane. At ten o'clock. Ten o'clock. And then I have to wait until three. I have to wait five hours. To get into my room. Five hours. I think if I want to wait for a hotel room. Then I'll book a maritime. Yes. But there they do have. That's kind of special in history. Of the Maritime. What is happening here now. Historically, it is very special. The last time the Germans retreated was in 1945.
And then boy. If you with this face what I have. Checking out. And you think of he's a bit angry. No, this is just my head. I just have, this is my basic head. This is my look. So I can, this is who I am. Get it? So when I walk to the front desk of a hotel, I immediately get the question of, you want the complaint form sir? Because that's my head. I can't do anything there. No, I just came to say that everything was fine. Oh, well. Yes, I apparently have the head of someone who has just discovered that his Easy Park has been on for five days. And then, constantly saying. And when you check out like this with this head, how is it possible? that I still get an email sent to me from you, when I get home, with how I liked it. There's no fun in that, such a survey. Do you do that on purpose? So that I can relive all the negative experiences I went through at home via a survey? Is that the intention?
You are very young, aren't you? How old are you? 36, very young man. They have a millennial. So I just heard, the millennials and the genziers, those are the guys. Predominantly, then. I didn't expect that, did I? That's what he said, right? But also so, if you as a leader, you are the leaders. I don't know anything about leadership though. I mostly know a lot about victimisation, but you've already noticed that. But if you're a leader, then that means you also have to lead the genziers right? That's not where you are yourself. It's a different generation, super difficult. Turns out me. We have 36, do you know which generation is above you? No, to him. I do want to give you a little attention. But I was actually talking to him. You don't actually know? No, now it's your turn. Some women can always attract attention to themselves. That's incredible. That you start, he clams up and still has the attention. Well, that's very good. No, but what's above the millennials? What kind of generation is actually sitting there? Because you're talking about Gen A, Gen Z and then millennials. What sits above that? The zennials and then the boomers. Now you fall through for a moment, lol. Because you come here with a whole story about generations. But then you forget someone for a moment, don't you? Me. You also got the answer from the woman next to you, who apparently doesn't know anything about anything either. No, the generation nothing is in between. Generation X. We can't all pretend that this generation doesn't exist. As if Bas and Aldrian never existed. Or the Knight Rider, or E-Team, or do whatever. Now if you yourself are in doubt of I don't actually know what generation I'm in at all. Well if you used to turn over your calculator and type in lol plus lol is hihi. Then you belong to me, then you belong to me. That's nice too actually lol. Roamed work with chat GPT, we then had lol plus lol is hihi. Other than that, our generation is actually not that difficult either. Our generation has never progressed digitally beyond lol plus lol is higi. A few of us ended up in IT and they can oil ball by now, but that's it. It still scares me, you know? People often think I'm a boomer too and I want to put that straight. Then thinking, it doesn't look like it when I'm apping, you know? It doesn't look like that. Such a bundle of app, I can't do anything with that at all. That's why they call me Boomer. I can't do anything with it though. But I do want to say, I'm not a Boomer. Because I also think Boomers are weird. I think they're weird people, too. I don't hate all Boomers. But I do hate the Boomers with happy heads. Do you know those people? Boomers with a contented head. Who walk around all the time talking about how well they have it all sorted out. I have it all totally sorted out. Yes, I've now got my house I've paid off in full. Nippetheek I've paid off in full. I've taken care of that very well. I have solar panels on my roof. Got that totally well taken care of. I have a charging pad in front of my door. Got that well taken care of. Electric cars are rich. I have free in the south of France. I have in summer. Got it all right. State a cottage. Got paid off in full. Completely well taken care of. Settled my pension all right. Early retirement. Got my finances all sorted out. And I think, if you really have it all arranged so well. Then why is there so breeding a lot of hair growing out of your ear go arrange it there first please. Because if you don't get it settled there, the rest also becomes a bit of an implausible story, doesn't it? It's also exactly that generation that then says about your generation, look, then they run with the screens again, with the phones. It's not for nothing that we talk about AI here, about Bundle, about Roamed. It's a different generation. Then they run with the screens again, the farmers then cry. That's not useful, is it? No, playing marbles, that was useful. You advanced humanity in your youth. With your yo-yo. Oh, look, it's going down. Oh, it's coming down again. Look at that. Oh, it's coming down again. Oh, coming down again. See this? Oh, that's the way it goes too. And the choices, the other generation also makes... The boomers make different choices. My mother, she's a boomer. She's eighty. And she makes weird choices. That one the other day with my stepfather. Three months ago. They bought a brand new car. But really brand new. And you think, why a brand new car? How many more miles are you going to do? Six? Or so? They never drive either. Yes, they then drive from one pole to another pole. That's the route they travel.
I say, I would talk about hospitality. That's nice, yes. But I didn't experience that in the Netherlands. I said to my friend, I'm going out the door for a very short time. And she says, oh, is it okay, where are you going? I say, Malaysia. And I went to Malaysia, I didn't pull any more. I come to the Paranthian Islands. Talking about hospitality. I was moved by the service I got there. What happens there, boy. Of course I was moved. Because that trip to the Parencian Islands in Malaysia. I have never been to a more beautiful place in my life than there. Parencian Islands, magnificent. But I was moved. Maybe because I was tired. I had spent 18 hours on the plane. Then you still have to take one of those little boat trains north. Then you still have to take a boat across the water. So I was tired. And I had also slept in the bastion that week before. So I was broken anyway already - that woman. That chambermaid. Or someone working there. I don't even know if we... That one walks with me. Just who walks with me all the way. Like some kind of living check-in owl, she walks to my cabin. On one of those mountain slopes. Overlooking the sea. Beautiful. And I was moved. And when I think about it. I can fill up like that again. because of that moment. Because she throws open the cabin door like that. And she points to the bed. And she says, Sir, for you. And not to imitate a Chinese or anyone, an Asian. I'm just trying to imitate how she spoke. Sir, for you. And I watch. And so tears spring to my eyes. Because on the bed, she has folded two swans especially for me. Giving each other a kiss. And I think, yes, this is exactly what I need, yes. This little bit of love. Then I have to sit on a plane for 18 hours to find someone who understands me a bit. Fine. That was beautiful. There were beautiful swans. And I think, you should be able to do that too, shouldn't you? Folding two swans. Gosh, it's all more beautiful. That's touching. I think, we educated these people here. Four years of hotel school and six years of origami. Felt like a lot. And I think, that lady, I'm going to front that one. That one deserves extra. And I gave her five euros. And five euros is also five euros there. And she says, thank you, sir. I say, no, thank you. Because she had a goddamn nice towels. And I was all smiles. I spent the whole day afterwards walking around of, live folding, live folding. I thought it was gorgeous resort. And after breakfast, a day later, I was... After breakfast. And I'm thinking, you know, never mind, breakfast, gone. Just a half, I eat too much anyway, never mind. Because I saw them walking with a trolley, they had just been with me. I think, I'm going to see where she folded. I was curious. Yes, I was an origami fan, all at once. And I went to look, and I open the door. And there was one swan on the bed. I also found it disappointing. I think, is love now not meant for me all of a sudden? Has she seen that I travel alone? And then there was also one standing there with its beaks very aggressively towards the door. Defending its territory. I come in, I get scared the hell out of me. I say, oh relax man, then you go on the bed. Then I'll go on the floor, make me an old one. And the third day... she had rolled up a towel. Had put it upright. And a couple of tissues out. I think, what the hell does this mean? Have been having laziness for a while. I think, go get stories, I won't put up with this. I looked for it. Was busy somewhere in another hut. I say, can you come? With me? Can you come with me? He says, yes. Yes, yes. And we get to my cabin and I say, what is this? From, what is this? And she says yes. I say no, not yes. I say, what is this? What do you thing yourself with, lady? Of me think myself, lady. I say, what is this? I've never seen anyone look at me so surprised. Never before. She says, sir, is it ropey? I say, yes, but what does it mean? Of why so mean? Is it ropey? And suddenly, I with my non-woken head thought of, oh, she can't say the R. And she built the tower. That's it, of course. She said, oh, you mean a tower of a part of a castle? You mean a tower piece of a castle. She was all indignant. Then she said, no, it's not a tower. It's a tower. Yeah, and I thought that was cool because I could hear the difference. That's cool. You should listen, listen carefully. Or the difference goes on. No, it's not a tower. It's a tower. I think, that's bold anyway. How can I hear the difference between exactly the same thing? And then she said, sir, if you take a shower, because she saw me all wavering, then you're wet. And then you take shower, towel, and then dry. I think, did I just spend 18 hours on a plane to be explained how a towel works by a chambermaid? It's not fun. Really not fun. It wasn't a fun holiday anymore either. Also because it goes around at such a resort. Then you come outside and then immediately those chambermaids also clump together and have a little smirk of... That's the bald guy who doesn't know what tower is. Also other bathers who then start shouting of... Hey, laughing at you, I use so wise of towels. It's not fun though. When you walk to your bed and you throw out your towel like that and you get applause. It's not nice. I did enjoy being here, folks. Thank you and have a nice evening. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.