The Hotel speech by Martijn Koning
Ladies and gentlemen good afternoon. Happy to be here. Dear, dear ladies and gentlemen, general managers, hotel managers, hotel owners, CEOs, COOs and regional directors of operations. Fine to be here. A real pleasure to be here today to speak for you. Here in the beautiful Beurs van Berlage for Hotel Leaders Network. How nice that this is possible again after 2 years. We can go out again, we can travel again. I have just returned from Spain myself. I did a quick trip up and down, just put the towels by the pool and next week we are really going on holiday in earnest. And I've been approached with a request to hold a mirror up to the hotel industry, to do a roast of sorts and that's a special event for me. The last time I did a roast it caused quite a fuss. That was on Eva Jinek's talk show, with Eva, with Eefje, or as I may call her: unreliable cunt. I don't know if there were any FvD people in the room, but anyway, have fun. Because it was said yes... My name is Martijn Koning, I am a comedian. I once started as a joke writer for the TV programme Lingo. That's for real. So that run by Lucille Werner was originally my idea.
But enough about me. I am honoured to speak for you here and I love hotels. My love for hotels has been instilled in me from childhood. My mother used to shout at home, “It's not a goddamn hotel here.” And as a little boy, I dreamt of what a magical place such a hotel must be. And for years I lived in the basement of the Hilton here in Amsterdam. That's in the comedy club Toomler and I live near Hotel Okura myself and I go there every now and then to eat sushi at Yamazato. I love Japan. My mother is half Japanese, at least her name is Ans and... Please explain it to the person next to you, then we can move on.
I once started working through an employment agency L'Invitée, along with two friends. We saw an ad and we were broke and we were bored. They were looking for hospitality staff and we had indicated that we had completed higher hotel school. And 2 days later, we were immediately dispatched to Hotel Schylge on Terschelling. There, after 1.5 hours of work, 2 things became clear. One: that we had not completed higher hotel school, and two: that we had never started that course at all. I learnt an awful lot there in a very short time. For example, that you shouldn't put red wine in the fridge; a very important tip. The next day we were put back on the boat and I remember very well Roy Boom, that was the manager's name then, I don't know if he still exists somewhere or something like that, but he flicked us out very badly. But in any case, it was the starting shot of a career in hospitality for me. I worked in a lot of hotels. I worked in the Amstel Hotel, Renaissance Hotel, Krasnapolsky, I even worked here in the Beurs van Berlage. That's just Amsterdam. I've worked all over the Netherlands. I've also worked abroad. I've worked in the Grand, in Jersey. That's the channel island off the French coast and I was an under waiter there. I don't know if you know that, but then you really are the lowest of the low. The under waiter is somewhere behind the scenes and then you walk from the restaurant, you walk all the way down through all the corridors and halls and stairs to the kitchen, where you pick up all the food, then you come back all sweaty and all fucked up and then you hand the food to the real waiter like this and he walks straight to the table. That's the under waiter. After that I worked in Hotel Jerbourg in Guernsey. There is a normal waiter. And what I always liked most when I was working were the Dutch. I always liked it when I had a table with Dutch people and then they were sitting there with a book in the morning. Then they were all like ’good morning, we would like to have the scrambled eggs‘. Then I let them plod along for five minutes and then I said: coming up. What a great feeling that was.
Because I love hotels and I also find it special to be able to speak here, and also among all these important people. I mean, Odete Pimenta da Silva. What a wonderful name that is. Cómo estás muchacho. And of course Bas Gerressen, director KLM Netherlands and I really have to say: looks good. He looks good. I thought he looks all fucked up and deathly pale and all that, but really just very fresh and sprightly. Such a crisis, he was also very positive just now. I don't know if I have a different TV at home and different newspapers, but good. Things are not going very well at Schiphol in my opinion. Anyway. You get a new kidney faster than you're checked in pretty much. But Bas is the right man in the right place for the right job since Bas studied hydraulic engineering. Anyway, the water is up to their lips, so maybe it will work out. And maybe one day there will be a runway in the sea. The distance to present-day Schiphol doesn't really matter. The queue of passengers is long enough for that to go all the way through, but anyway. Schiphol has learnt a wise lesson and that is that you can very easily throw your staff out, but you can much harder throw them back in. Well a huge mess Bas. As a gesture, you should join us at the bar later and take off your shoes and belt. Yes I think we can continue the applause because it's a very difficult job at the moment for Bas.
I love hotels and especially hotels in the Netherlands. That's a very big difference. And I often stay in hotels. I think hotels in the Netherlands are perfect. I like the rooms in the Soho Hotel best. I find the best hotel on Texel, Hotel Kogerstaete. I now know that it's better not to book online, but to call the hotel directly. Hey fuck you booking.com. And I lived next to a small hotel in Zwolle for years. And I must say, the sound of rolling suitcases over the cobbles, really, you can wake me up for that at night. What a lovely sound that is. But Dutch hotels are very good and hospitable, especially compared to abroad. Good service, love for the job, speak the languages and I love coming. And I am also really a Dutchman when I am then I a hotel. No matter what time you went to bed, you go to breakfast. It's included and you'll eat it too. Delicious. Then I sit there all roasted in the morning at breakfast with my coffee and try not to be disturbed by the other guests at the buffet and occasionally deliberately spilling hot tea on a running child. I can really enjoy that at such a time.
But there are also annoyances. Yes, I often get annoyed in your hotels too. Too hard or too soft mattresses, stains everywhere, noise pollution, unpleasant smell in the room. Sometimes it really smells like a dog has actually slept there with dirty socks on. Lousy jets of water from the shower, like a 90-year-old grandpa pissing over your head, one of those filthy shower curtains that sticks to your leg while showering, hair in the shower drain, cobwebs next to the toilet, flattened insects on the wall, towels. What's your thing with towels? They are either very big or very small. Take your pick in that. Hey, so big it looks like a duvet and such a tiny one you can't even get around your waist. And those fucking crappy passes. Bas said it too, just use keys. You get there at night and they never work and then you're standing with those passes like that, you're fumbling in one of those slots like that. Then you're standing in the middle of the night fiddling in a slot like that and then always those extra charges you guys do too, motherfuckers. Then you think you've paid everything. No, no, no. No, pay extra for breakfast, pay extra for parking, pay extra for Wifi, pay extra for oxygen. And far too few power sockets in the rooms. You should think about that too. How on earth am I supposed to charge my laptop, mobile, tablet, toothbrush all at the same time when I also want to turn on the kettle and Nespresso? Is it a small effort to install something like 30 sockets? Good. And the minibar. The minibar is a magical place. Just looking at it costs about 5 euros. Prices that even an evening shop would be ashamed of. Where a Twix costs 12 euros all at once. Then you only have one bar of the Twix. And you have to check the products carefully too, because the 1980 expiry date is also often heavily exceeded, but good. And we used to have to put up with everything you did to us as guests, but those days are over, and have been for a long time. Because nowadays we have a weapon to hit you with and that is threatening you with bad reviews on Tripadvisor. And that gives such a nice feeling. I can totally hear that shiver going through the room just saying Tripadvisor. The nightmare of every hotel and hospitality establishment. And that's the customer's weapon lol. You used to be able to screw us, but not anymore. Now we can also if the service is even a tiny bit not quite what we expected, we can so very frustrated at night such a tasty review. So miep miep miep miep miep miep. Lovely feeling is that. Power feels nice. Because you must always remain friendly. And I like that too. Always a smile. Always. The customer is king, always stay friendly, always a smile, even if the guest is rude, drunk, horny. You know they take everything: bathrobes, hairdryers, lamps, towels, glasses, pets, they check out late, broken furniture where the guest always has no idea how it got there. No idea, nothing to do with it. People cramming the entire running buffet into their bags. Have you ever seen that? What do those handbags look like pretty much man? And always those stupid guest questions. I've also worked in a hotel many times that you say... Sometimes you want to shout it in their lazy stupid face, you know. The welcome booklet is there in the room for a reason. Read it. Everything is in there, everything is in there. Everything you ask for is literally in there. Anyway, keep smiling. I notice that this little frustration only stayed with me earlier, but good.
But despite all the setbacks, you remain full of fresh courage. And how are you supposed to survive during this difficult time? We have left Corona behind us, but it is still difficult. How are you supposed to cut costs? And when I say that, I immediately see you thinking: by exploiting the cleaning staff even more. And that makes sense. Logical. They often can't read and write properly, so own fault if you are then taken advantage of, of course. And I do understand the logic, you want to give underprivileged people from underprivileged countries a feeling of home when they are working here, but it is still a kind of slavery. Well, admittedly the Netherlands, we have become very big with it. Surely that's that fine VOC mentality we have inherited, but I read, and this shocked me, that about half of the hotels in the Netherlands are wrong. Hotels would regularly underpay cleaners with excessive workloads and poor working conditions and working on their own time. Working full-time but being paid part-time. Less than 15 minutes per room, 30 rooms a day. I can tell you a pit stop team of a Formula 1 car has a lower workload than cleaning staff in a hotel. I would recommend every Formula 1 team to put at least two housekeeping ladies at the track. I think that would take a fat second off the pit time. How tough they are. And they don't get tips anymore either, because no one carries cash anymore. And we all know used condoms don't buy bread. So let this be your wake-up call and stop that. The housekeeping department is perhaps the most important in any hotel and give them what they deserve.
And there are other ways to save. And we just saw already with the startups... There are ways like innovation, like robotisation, QR codes, chips in towels and bathrobes so you can track. That's been a personal idea, do what you want with it. Adjusting the menu, preventing food waste we just heard too. And the hotel industry needs to look ahead to engage tomorrow's target audience. Because guests are looking for experience, service and certain food. I mean the litres of oat milk are unstoppable these days. But it will be difficult. And you've had a much bigger enemy introduced by the corona crisis and that's zoom meetings. And that is hell. It's just hell. People no longer have to travel to speak to people and this is the biggest bash your industry has received on their beaks. And in a few years, you put on VR glasses and your business associate will be sitting right in front of you in the virtual world and there will be even less travelling. Anyway. On the other hand, there will soon be supersonic passenger flights and as a tourist you will be in New York within two hours, unless you go over Schiphol.
But the number of business trips will continue to drop in the coming year, and that is tough. Because these were already tough times for you guys, but through the fog a little bit of hope shines through. We just heard from 2024 the old levels would be reached again, maybe even then it will be 2026. Anyway, let's hope. The Belgians and Germans are back. How cool is that? And the Germans in particular provide high occupancy rates. Of course, it could always be higher. In my grandmother's time, the German occupancy rate was even 100 per cent. But unfortunately, there are still about a quarter fewer overnight stays, hotel rooms have risen in price, consumer confidence is low, prices are high, staff shortages, working days are too long, new and young staff are too busy posting pictures of food on Instagram and doing dances on TikTok, uncertainty due to the war in Ukraine. Will Russia soon be on the doorstep? Well from October, at least the Tax Administration will be on the doorstep. They are even more ruthless. But the hotel market has been hit tremendously hard by the corona crisis. And food prices are shooting up and energy bills are rising and the challenges are enormous. But one thing is clear: should you survive this, you really can handle anything. I believe in you guys. Best of luck.